Personal / rambles

[insert original one liner about change here]


The words used to come so easily. Literally every cliche writer’s post in which they described it as “the words pouring out of you.” Because in every way, that was sort of true. But I realized it too late. They don’t anymore. I stare at the screen trying convince my brain I’m writing something worthwhile, when I’m really not.

All I know is that I’m losing contact with life. (or that I haven’t consistently posted anything for the past three months) I can’t concentrate on any one thing. I keep on zoning out of blogging. I haven’t written anything in months. I don’t even read anymore.  And I went from the girl who’d finish the future syllabus because she was feeling over efficient, to staying up nights trying to desperately complete my schoolwork.

Which would be horrifying for old me, is pretty horrifying for right-now me. I’m changing. Have I mentioned how much I detest change? It deserves a slap in the face with a gargatuan penguin. (Actually, no. I don’t want to put the penguin through that kind of atrocity.)

I’m so used to relying on words on a printed page for happiness that it’s like a slap to the face when I suddenly just…don’t. Like Eve said in one of her posts;

Sometimes, people tell me that I shouldn’t be relying so much on books for my happiness. I totally get that they’re not, like, living and breathing people you can talk to, but if they make me happy then…WHY NOT? It’s not hurting me, and it’s not hurting anyone else.

That’s pretty much EXACTLY what I’m trying to say, because she’s freaking right. But right now living and breathing people are not making me lose faith in humanity. I’m getting too attached. And I guess I’m scared to be relying on something that….volatile?

At first I thought this was just some kind of slump. But it’s more of zoning out of reading in general and poking your nose in other stuff.

But that’s what life is. So maybe I should embrace change for once. All I’m trying to say is, that yes, it’s okay if the things that used to matter to me don’t matter as much. If I want to go outside and attempt to talk to more people and do debates and ride bikes down snowy gorges rather than sob and read and murder 2658 characters, it’s still okay. 

I will still read and write and blog, but it isn’t the bane of my existence anymore. And strangely, even if I wasn’t okay with it at first, I am now. For now…I’ll attempt Nano. As for succeeding at it? Not quite as sure.

So I kept pushing away the prospect of publishing this post because dammit I was scared. For what? I don’t know, actually. I still am. I’M TERRIFIED OF ME. Quick question: what would 2-years-ago-you think of you now?

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12 thoughts on “[insert original one liner about change here]

  1. I feel you on change, though part of me also needs change in some aspects of life as I get bored easily haha. You can’t help it when you yourself changes though. What’s important is that you’re doing what you want and enjoying yourself! 🙂 I’m glad you’ll still blog though. I’d really miss your posts otherwise!

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  2. Thanks for your honesty. I blog a lot less than my sister, which makes me feel bad sometimes. And I read less than her too even though I love it. And change is fine! I hate change too. (They put new chairs and desks in a classroom at school and it was just so hard to deal with like wut) But keep blogging when you can! You don’t have to blog about books and writing . You could blog about archery and debating (although you would still be writing to an extent) Keep it up! ❤

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    • We all have different paces, so it’s alright 🙂 For me, it’s the fact that once I sit down to read a book, I don’t let myself eat or sleep until I’ve finished it. IT’S DRASTIC. But it works, and binge reading is my thing, once I actually get to it XD

      Hmm, that’s what I’m thinking about. A change of focus would be interesting.

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  3. So, I am probably not the best person to give advice here. I have pretty much no idea how I hold my life together — I mean, sometimes I feel terrified, but usually it’ll pass and there’s just general ‘what am I even doing help’. Tbh when I feel bad…fiction & fanfic are still my anchors. I don’t write fiction that much outside of NaNo, really.
    BUT. I think writing about it and realising change is okay are both really positive things. *hugs* Debating & talking to people & riding bikes down snowy gorges are all awesome. GROWING UP IS JUST SO CONFUSING UGH. I think in many ways, I am kind of similar to me two years ago — but at the same time I’d never have seen myself where I am now.
    If you ever want to chat, I’m always here! (I mean, I’m personally really bad at talking to people about my own problems but the offer totally remains.) I hope NaNo is going okay, and it’s really nice to see you, as always! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Aw. AW. If NaNo is what is making you feel this way, CHUCK IT OUT THE WINDOW. I miss you! Don’t leave, okay? You’re lovely, and funny, and I RESPECT this change, but don’t ever LEAVE, alright? ALRIGHT???

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  5. This change your talking about hit me a few years ago. In a matter of months I went from reading two – three books a month to possibly one a year. I certainly miss reading, however the drive is no longer there, and in effect my inspiration for writing nearly dried up. If it weren’t for my blog I think I would have lost my creativity entirely a couple years ago.

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  6. I think change is ALWAYS scary, and its super awesome that you found the courage to post this.

    To be honest, I’ve been feeling a little bit of the same at the moment. I am still reading every day, because that’s been a part of my life schedule for as long as I can remember (and I don’t actually think I could fall asleep without reading a bit beforehand), but it just isn’t feeling ~the same~. I can read a book, and go: yeah, that was good. But that’s ALL I think. I’m not falling in love with it anymore, and that is TERRIFYING. Because reading has always brought me love and happiness, and I don’t know what’s going on at the moment. Maybe it’s my brain trying to get me out of the house, haha.

    Blogging is somewhat the same. I can write a post or a review, but it just doesn’t give me the same high it used to.

    Change is scary, but it’s awesome that you’re going to go along with it! I hope my feelings bring about some needed or desired (or whatever-ed) change because my reading and blogging blues aren’t feeling so great (let’s not even talk about the fact that I hardly write any more *hides*).

    As for what two-years-ago me would think of me now? She’d probably be chuffed that I managed to get though Honours year last year, and everything that has happened this year. She’d probably mourn the loss of some things, but be grateful for the addition of others. Mostly, I think two-years-ago me would see herself still here, because I haven’t changed too much!

    (WOW, ESSAY. SORRY!)

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  7. Hi, love. I haven’t stopped by your blog in far too long, but I do so adore your posts, and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling unanchored. I do think, though, that it took immense courage to write and post this. Accepting change is one of the most difficult things we can do – but also, I think, one of the loveliest. And the most healing.

    What would two-years-ago me think of myself today? I’d like to think she would be proud. Possibly a little sad, because I’m certainly not the person I intended to be. But that is part of change too. Having the power to accept that even if things don’t go the way we planned, they will turn out alright in the end. They always do.

    Sending so much love your way. xxx

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  8. Pingback: Me, Me, Me // Personal Blogging? | Twist in the Taile

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